I don't know how to do anything on this site anymore. Trying to make a gallery and can't do it right. Can't make regular bookmarks or favorites or I dunno what. I can't waste my time trying to make things look decent now, since I have stuff I MUST do.
But right now, I'm halfway through Frenzy and I'm going to finish it up and then GET TO WORK!!!
TeamSugar has gotten quite confusing for me. I have not yet adjusted to the new formatting. There's many questions I have, and I've tried searching for the answers on this site, but I must be searching for the wrong terms or in the wrong areas or somethin'. And I don't want to be annoying and just ask some of these random questions that might've already been asked and answered hundreds of times already. Perhaps I'll just try askin' them here in hopes someone might stumble upon it and feel compelled to point me in the right directions.
First, where'd chatter go? Is it a thing of the past?
Second, um. I dunno. Is "TeamSugar.com" just PopSugar now?
This site just changes all the time I can't keep up! And since it's been changing a lot and I've been remiss in keeping up with these changes, I'm not able to follow things that easily anymore or contribute that easily. Hopefully i'll get back into the swing of things, cuz it's a nice diversion from regular life.
I'd also like to announce my new-found obsession with True Blood. Goddamn that show is addicting. Sometimes the acting is bad. Well, I think it's more the writing, cuz otherwise most of the time the actors are amazing, especially considering the supernatural aspects of it all. My main complaint is when things get all "We [species] don't like to be called that/ We [species] are..." etc. etc. It's dialogue that sounds like it's from my early grade-school story days when I'd write about dragons and unicorns or other talking animals or whatever and have them explain themselves to others in a way that humans could understand. Perhaps that's the way things would really play out, but it sounds so contrived and unrealistic to me. I guess I don't believe someone would have so much knowledge/understanding/authority about their own race/species/identity that they could make such generalized and authoritative/factual statements. It seems similar to a conversation involving people of different races, and they're discussing slang or derogatory names or nicknames or something. While some might embrace or identify with certain words, others might not.
Watching so much True Blood recently has also got me adoptin' a southern accent. I kinda wish it'd be more a Vermont accent, but I don't think it is since I'm not really around Vermonters with thick
I want to make a "real blog" some time, and not just be all over the place with my random complains or whatever. I want to have a real theme, and try to really stick to it and contribute regularly. There's a whole lot I'd also like to do, like make a new website, and then of course all the other things listed on my 43 Things list (and I should remember to add those two I just mentioned). But really, right now I need to concentrate on cleaning/getting packed. Also, I need to print out some stuff right now so that I can mail it off. Am dealing with some bills and disputes and whatnot. ARG! So overwhelmed! AHHH!
OK, seriously, get back on task. Ok bye.
These are my favorite new scents, in no particular order (all the female or unisex version):
Tommy Girl, Tommy Hilfiger
Black, Kenneth Cole
Shi, Alfred Sung
Happy Heart, Clinique
Magnifique, Lancome
CK One, Calvin Klein
Yay for nice smelling things!!
So, I'm sabotaging any type of diet redemption at the moment here drinking a diet pepsi and devouring a giant bag of cheesy puffs. They try and make the cheesy puffs seem somewhat healthy with that "0 grams Trans Fat!" on the bag, but I still know they're horrible. I'm horrible.
That song by The Ting Tings, "That's Not My Name," is still in my head. I thought that by titling this "Sabotage" I'd get the Beasty Boys song in my head instead, but alas.
Been pretty goddamn depressed these days. It's so annoying. I really should work out, do one of those random exercise videos we have, or even just do some more gardening. But I then I kinda feel "What's the point," and get all pathetic like that.
I don't know what to do.
I guess I'm not safe here, so the only answer to ensure my self-preservation is to leave. Right?
Or am I just sabotaging myself here, on purpose, to more justify my leaving? I really do have self control, but I'm making these self-destructive choices. I burned myself. And I loved it. And being able to see the tangible wounds still around seem rewarding and make me seem more in control of things. Thinking of which, I haven't thrown up in a while. There was a week there in which I wasn't able to keep much of anything down, after having made myself throw up repeated for so many days before.
I had never understood eating disorders before, even despite all my "schooling" but I do think it's something that you need to experience to understand the emotional dimensions of it. And of course it varies for everyone, the reasons and feelings and whatnot. But, like I think any self-destructive behavior, it can become dangerously addicting. It started with the constant comments and insults from my mom concerning my weight. Then with the upset of my grandmother's death, that made things worse since I was just upset in general and combining that with the mom issues, I just felt sick to my stomach always. Then with repeatedly force purging I developed a great feeling of power and seeming control, especially the more I did it. I didn't do it only when I was upset, it just seemed to be a regular affair, like washing your hands after going to the bathroom (but I can't say I gain any power from washing my hands, ha). But the regularity I guess made me feel more in control of my day...though at the same time, less in control, since it wasn't normal, and then I couldn't control the involuntary need to vomit after eating anything. Well, I think I found myself unintentionally yet purposefully, if that can make any sense, over eating at any one time, and then I couldn't hold that much down, so it had to get out soon after it had been ingested. I know this is all so gross.
I felt that throwing up was less visible and therefore less offensive than cutting. But now what does it really matter? I guess I still don't want to get any potential glances from people in the grocery store or something, and of course I don't want to upset my mom if she sees. But I'd really like to do it, cutting. Extensively. Beautifully. Isn't that sad? Sigh. But of course with it being summer now then it's more difficult to hide, especially when I do want to be more tan since I'm otherwise pale as a ghost. And I do like being outdoors. But if I'm all scarred up then being in the sun sucks. Fack.
* * *
I'm losing him. Have I lost him? Hate this. Chose between my boyfriend or my mom? Rewatching Lost I was recognizing my situation to be similar to John's and his relations to Helen and his father. And of course the audience sides with Helen, since John's father wants nothing to do with him and only uses/abuses him and Helen is the best thing to happen to John in a real long time, perhaps his entire life. But I can understand Locke, and his strong desire for his father's love and approval, especially the more his father sabotages the relationship and distances himself.
If I go to DC I could even get back to playing cello, and potentially get over the emotional strings tied to it. Though how fabulous would it be to really pound at a piano, foot controls and everything, actually making awesome sounds? Gosh, listening to The Dresden Dolls it really makes my fingers want to dance hard. But I haven't played anything in years. Many years. I haven't painted in years. Sad. If I go to DC I can get all that back, and be encouraged.
But leaving means abandoning my mom, who can't transfer from her wheelchair into her hospital bed in the afternoon/evening. So without me she'd have no help, and would end up sleeping sitting in her wheelchair. How horrible would that be? And of course there's her constant threats of suicide. She gave me the ultimatum at the end of May that if I didn't have a job by July then I better not be around the house on July 4th because "it wouldn't be pretty" and that she'd kill herself then. I hate this.
And it's not as easy as "can't you get help?" Adult Protective Services have been here. Nurses have come and gone. She's rejected people, not answered phone calls, has canceled her doctors appointments. You can only be helped if you want it and will accept it. Even with forced hospitalization, she'd have to be "forcibly" removed from the home, and for that a warrant would be needed. Fack this sh*te.
I don't want my mom's death on my conscience!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
He's avoiding me. Not answering emails or phone calls.
I hate my body.
I hate myself.
I hate this feeling.
These feelings.
I wish I had money for getting tattooed.
Is it time to throw up? Would that make things better right now? Bright orange puke from cheesy puffs. Lovely.
Hate this.
I don't want my mom's death on my conscience.
I want to be free. And to be happy, gosh. I don't even know if I deserve that.
What do I do?
Hiding in sleep does nothing, and neither does eating if I just go back to sleep.
I wish my mom could get help. I wish more than anything that she would be healed and be happy.
I've tied my happiness to hers, and that's where a bunch of the problems lie. Sigh.
I think I need to sneak a cigarette before it starts to rain. That might help me some, to think more clearly. And perhaps it'll make me more nauseous and since I'll be outside anyway then things won't matter that much. I treat my throat so great these days. Sigh. Please no lectures.
Ok, walking my dog time, before the sky cries.
xoxo
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